Family Feuds and the Work of Forgiveness

By: Connie Saindon, MA

People forgive in a variety of ways, from efforts that seem like two steps forward and one step back or all at once. How do you salvage the family and restore trust when issues of wrong doing, abuse, kidnapping, alcoholism, and so on have occurred?

Fuels for family feuds occur when there has been a violation of justice or fairness. Fairness of the give-and-take balance in relationships develops trust between people. Trustworthiness builds assurances that ones' needs will be met without manipulation or threats of retaliation. Hurts in families can last for years and even be passed on down through generations cutting both wide and deep. Perhaps you too are familiar with the "I haven't talked to my sister since I left home at 18." "No one invites Uncle Joe after he ran Dad's business into the ground 23 years ago."

Murray Bowen, M.D. coined the term "multi-generational transmission process" to describe how families pass on legacies from one generation to another. This famous saying describes the same idea: "The sins of the father are visited upon his sons." (Of course we know legacies are passed on down to daughters and from mothers too.) Individuals and families have been wounded by past events that range from mild to severe. Family members lack trust and feel a destructive sense of entitlement ("You owe me!"). " Not until she apologizes will I consider forgiving her." "Not until he admits what he did will I be OK, again." Feelings of both guilt and blame are clues to the need for forgiveness work.

One can either Exonerate or Forgive:

Exonerating work doesn't require contact with the family member (s). Three aspects of exonerating are:

1. The damaged person seeks to lift the load off of the longterm pain.

2. To do this the person needs to first identify what they must do to protect themselves from further hurt by this person. Also, they need to expand their understanding of the circumstances of the victimizer (their limitations, intent, personal and family history). Deeper understanding and possibly empathy of what their life was like at the time of the offense will be gained.

3. Exonerating a victimizer enables the victim to stop the damage from continuing to affect their lives so much. This frees up the victim to deal with healing some of the accumulated guilt and shame. It does not require further involvement between the victim and victimizer.

Forgiveness work involves resolving a relationship after damage has occurred and restoring the mutual respect balance. This involves some risk as the person can be hurt again. Forgiveness work involves setting realistic goals and making plans to build and test trustworthiness. The overt act of forgiving involves the victim allowing the victimizer to directly address the past damage and hurt. They accomplish the work of forgiveness through:

1. Agreement
2. Acknowledgment
3. Apology

Past hurts and old wounds can restrict one's life in numerous ways. Exonerating can help free family members up from unnecessary burdens of past baggage. Forgiveness work can help families get fresh starts building trust with a balance.

Find Article here: http://www.allprodad.com/playbook/viewarticle.php?art=342

Is There a Laziness Gene?

By Deirdre van Dyk

Have you ever wondered why you can't get off the couch and exercise — despite paying for an expensive gym membership, despite your New Year's resolutions, even despite the doctor's scolding at your last checkup? Turns out that your inertia may be coded right into your genes.

Based on some intriguing preliminary studies in animals, J. Timothy Lightfoot, a kinesiologist, and his team at the University of North Carolina, Charlotte, suggest that genetics may indeed predispose some of us to sloth.

Lightfoot, who originally wanted to coach college basketball and is himself an avid athlete, began studying activity levels as a way to try to figure out why, given all we know about the overwhelming health benefits of physical activity, so many people still choose not to exercise. A lecture at Johns Hopkins University about genetics and lung disease served as Lightfoot's eureka moment, and he became interested in studying genes as our prime mover. For the new study, Lightfoot and his team bred two strains of mice — active and inactive. Researchers then crossbred two generations of the active and inactive mice, ending up with a study group of 310 genetically mixed offspring. At about 9 weeks old, each mouse was housed in an individual cage and given an exercise wheel. Researchers measured how far, how long and how fast the animals ran every day for three weeks, at the end of which the mice were genotyped.

Exercise-prone mice put in a good 5 to 8 miles per day (the equivalent of an average man running 40 to 50 miles a day) vs. 0.3 miles per day for inactive mice. While the exercise wheels of the activity-prone mice would turn all night, some of the sedentary mice devised ingenious ways to avoid activity. One stuffed wood shavings around the wheel and turned it into a bed; one used it as an, ahem, toilet; and one climbed on top of her wheel only to get a better look at the overhead sensors tracking her movements.

Although the animals' activity levels could not be entirely attributed to genes, researchers calculated that heredity accounted for about 50% of the differences in activity. They also found that activity-promoting genes were dominant traits in 75% of the exercise-loving mice. (Researchers don't know yet how often the activity-inclined genotype would naturally occur; Lightfoot says he found a fairly continuous range of activity levels, from extremely active to very low-active, in about 30 mice strains he tested.) "When we used to talk about activity, it was whether or not people decided to be active," says Lightfoot. "Now it's clear that there's an inherent drive as to whether one is active or not active."

Exactly how that drive plays out in the body is still a mystery. There are two theories, Lightfoot says: Genes may affect either the way muscles work — perhaps causing them to use energy more efficiently and preventing fatigue — or some higher-order biochemical circuit in the brain, such as levels of the neurotransmitters dopamine or serotonin. Researchers have examined the muscle tissue of the mice in the study, however, and early data, which has not yet been published, suggests that there's no difference in their function. So the researchers' best guess is that the drive to exercise is at least partly influenced by brain chemicals — a reasonable hypothesis, given that dopamine or serotonin plays a significant role in several human drives and behaviors, including hunger, addiction, mood and movement disorders like Parkinson's disease.

Chemistry is not destiny, of course. Lightfoot hopes to use his research to help determine which patients may need a bigger boost to get moving — he thinks that perhaps close supervision by trainers or rewards for exercising will encourage genetic lazybones to get to the gym. And maybe one day, he speculates, there might even be a drug to compensate for what your genes won't give you. A drug that makes you want to exercise? Now that's a pill worth swallowing.

Find this article at:
http://www.time.com/time/health/article/0,8599,1827106,00.html

All Hat, No Cattle

All hat, no cattle......is a saying down in Texas.

And there's also a song that goes with it. It's a song about a smooth-talking, long-tall, slow-walking, dollar-store made-up dude, who's all dressed up looking like the Marlboro Man. Starched shirt, starched jeans, big trophy buckle and an empty Copenhagen can. You see him standing there blabbing his mouth....all with a fake Texan drawl........talkin' cowboy this and cowboy that........but the closest he's been to a cow is watching an old John Wayne movie. He's all hat and no cattle, the guy just ain't real.

It's incredible to see many a hat with no cattle in the household of faith....sounding brass, tinkling cymbal......all.

Tongue talking, prophecy spewing, mountain moving, prayer warrior.........but blind to the need of mere mortals all around.

"If I could speak all the languages of earth and of angels, but didn’t love others, I would only be a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. If I had the gift of prophecy, and if I understood all of God’s secret plans and possessed all knowledge, and if I had such faith that I could move mountains, but didn’t love others, I would be nothing. If I gave everything I have to the poor and even sacrificed my body, I could boast about it; but if I didn’t love others, I would have gained nothing. 1 Corithians 13: 1-3"

Oh yes he's careful to tithe even the tiniest income........the rue, the mint, and all.........but ignores justice and the love of God......

When a needy brother comes along asking for help, he tells him,‘.....Sorry, I can’t help you. For I have vowed to give to God......Corban..........what I would have given to you....."

Of course he loves the Lord..........yet

"If a man says, “I love God,” but hates a Christian brother or sister, that person is a liar...1 John 4:20"

He goes to church, virtually lives in the church. He prays every single day, many times a day. He's the first at church programs, his voice the loudest, and his hands raised the highest, during praise and worship. What a piety to the deity.

But..

"....if we don’t love people we can see, how can we love God, whom we cannot see? 1 John 4:20"

All hat, no cattle. What a shame to God's Name.

Running On Empty

I feel.....and do know....that I'm.........running virtually on empty. My spiritual gas tank is already showing red.........and my fire....power....engine...of prayer.......is dangerously tethering on stuttering. The altar is doggone cold........the fire breathlessly struggling to stay burning.

My current knowledge of the scriptures, I must confess, pales in comparison to what it used to be, 5, 10 years ago.

Take for instance this morning, I struggled.............and still struggle..........to find this scriptural verse in the bible.......

"...God moves in a mysterious way, His wonders to perform........"

I searched and searched and searched but failed!!!!

Would somebody be the eyes of Jesus and help me find it? Could you be the Savior's mouth and tell me where it is? Would you reach out, with the hand of the Messiah, and rescue a drowning Christ Believer?

The call is gone out. Who, with the ears of Jesus, will hear my cry and call?

The Fear of Change

January  31, 1829

President Jackson,

The canal system of this country is being threatened by the spread of a new form of transportation known as railroads. The federal government must preserve the canals for the following reasons.

One, if boats are supplanted by railroads, serious unemployment will result. Captains, cooks, drivers, hostlers, repairmen and lock tenders will be left without means of livelihood, not to mention the numerous farmers now employed in growing hay for horses.

Two, boat builders would suffer and towline, whip, and harness makers would be left destitute.

Three, canal boats are absolutely essential to the defense of the United States. In the event of the expected trouble with England, the Erie Canal would be the only means by which we could ever move the supplies so vital to waging modern war.

As you may well know, Mr. President, railroad carriages are pulled at the enormous speed of 15 miles per hour by engines which, in addition to endangering life and limb of passengers, roar and snort their way through the countryside, setting fire to crops, scaring the livestock and frightening women and children. The Almighty certainly never intended that people should travel at such breakneck speed.

Sincerely Yours,

Martin Van Buren

Governor of New York

Africa Faces Another Rising Expense: Fuel

July 12, 2008

By LYDIA POLGREEN

DAKAR, Senegal — In the United States, where the median household income is about $48,000, $4-a-gallon gas is painful.

In Nigeria, most of whose 140 million citizens live on less than $2 a day despite their country’s status as the world’s eighth largest oil exporter, $5.50-a-gallon diesel is excruciating.

Daniel Idoko runs a small business center in Abuja, Nigeria’s capital, and because the country’s electricity supply is so balky, he relies on a diesel generator to run his computers, fax machines and copiers. The price of diesel has increased by 110 percent in the past few months, transforming his once prosperous small business from an asset to a liability.

“I employ six people and pay rent for this shop, salaries, and I maintain equipment,” Mr. Idoko said Friday, with a mix of frustration and resignation. “How much do I have to make to break even?”

Rising global food prices have sent discontent rippling across Africa in recent months, prompting riots and demonstrations from Zambia to Senegal, Tanzania to Niger. Now fuel prices are causing rumblings as well. On Friday, fuel tanker drivers in Nigeria, Africa’s most populous nation, went on strike over rising prices of diesel fuel and poor road conditions, a move that could cripple the economy.

In Africa, fuel prices are a much less emotional issue than food prices. Food takes up 50 percent or more of a household’s budget, but since most people do not have cars, the price of gas is meaningful only as it relates to bus and taxi fares.

But now those are rising rapidly, too. In Namibia this week, bus and taxi drivers increased fares by 10 percent after the country’s sixth fuel price increase this year. In Senegal, a ride in a private minibus that once cost 50 cents can now cost double that.

Fuel prices are also eroding the profits of businesses across Africa — where a single breadwinner sometimes supports a dozen people or more — hurting some of the neediest people in the world. Prices have risen so fast that they threaten to undermine the continent’s nascent economic boom, which has been driven in large part by high prices for the natural resources that many countries export.

Benedicte Christensen, acting director of the International Monetary Fund’s Africa department, told reporters earlier this month that price shocks had raised import costs across Africa, undermining growth.

In Senegal, where power generation is largely dependent on diesel, the state-run electrical company has struggled to provide continuous power to large swaths of the country. Oumar Ba, a tailor who shares a large workshop with dozens of others here in Dakar, said the electricity was usually off half the day, cutting deeply into his income.

“It is very hard to work like this,” Mr. Ba said. “But I have people in the village depending on me, so I try to keep going.”

Countries that set national fuel prices, facing huge import expenses, have had to raise prices. Burundi, a tiny, impoverished nation that has suffered through civil war and mass killings, just raised its prices by 8 percent. Ivory Coast, a onetime regional economic powerhouse also struggling to recover from civil war, raised its fuel prices this week to more than $7 a gallon.

In Nigeria, where corruption and misrule have squandered, by some estimates, as much as $400 billion in oil profits over the past 40 years, cheap gas is nothing less than a birthright. But Nigeria’s dilapidated refineries cannot produce enough gasoline to supply the country. The government imports about $4 billion a year of petroleum products. Government subsidies have kept regular gasoline selling for about $2 a gallon, but the price of diesel, crucial for businesses and heavy transport, has rapidly risen.

“The cost of diesel is too much so we can’t even use the generators any more,” said Dennis Mbang, 35, a pharmacist in a military hospital in Lagos. “The common man doesn’t feel fine. The wealth is here, oil is here, but the masses are suffering.”

High fuel costs are a particularly bitter pill for Nigeria because its own troubles have helped raise prices. Attacks on oil installations by militants in the oil-rich Niger Delta region have helped briefly to knock Nigeria out of its spot as Africa’s top oil producer, in favor of Angola.

The International Monetary Fund’s recent analysis of the effects of rising oil and food prices warned that at least 18 countries in Africa would be pushed to the tipping point by high fuel prices.

“It is a potential source of instability, particularly when you combine the galloping price of petrol with food prices,” said Philippe de Pontet, an analyst with the Eurasia Group, a political risk analysis consulting firm.

In Liberia, one of the world’s poorest countries after 14 years of civil war, price increases for oil and food would consume almost all of the country’s foreign reserves. Higher oil prices will cost Ghana, which has one of West Africa’s most promising economies, 8.1 percent of its gross domestic product, according to the monetary fund.

Find article here: http://www.nytimes.com/2008/07/12/world/africa/12nigeria.html

May God Bless America

I am proud to be an American! How about you?

For all her imperfections and faults the United States of America remains the beacon of hope for the world's hopeless. A place where strangers are welcomed with open arms. A land where dreams become reality. A nation that cherishes excellence and gifts of the human mind. People of all races, creeds, and tongues call this place home.

This is the world's melting point. There's no other country like this one - none comes even close.

May God bless this land.

May His peace reign in this place.

Happy 4th of July everyone!!!!

Introducing......"Pious But Not Religious"

Thursday June 26, 2008

We often look at the religious landscape in binary terms - believers vs. nonbelievers, churchgoers vs. atheists, the "religious" vs. "secularists". It's time too add a new group: "pious but not religious."

For a while now, some pollsters have tracked an increasing number of people who call themselves "spiritual but not religious." We've found at Beliefnet, though, that the people who identified that way tended to be, well, just not all that religious or spiritual. It's a moniker for those who have rejected organized religion and have a relatively small connection to spirituality.

It's also long been known that many people believe in God (90-plus percent) but don't really engage in much spiritual practice beyond that.

But the recent Pew Religion Forum survey confirms what we've seen on Beliefnet for a long time: There's a huge group of people in the middle - they don't just believe in God, they take concrete steps on a regular basis - but don't go to church.

Consider this: 39% attend church weekly yet 75% pray at least weekly -- and 58% pray daily. About 19% of the population is very devout - but doesn't go regularly to church.

How do they feed their spiritual thirst? They have become their own spiritual general contractors, pulling information and nourishment from a variety of sources. The burgeoning spiritual book industry, the growth of religion on the internet, and religious radio have all made it possible for Americans to devour spiritual content without regularly attending worship services. An internal Beliefnet survey found that that 69% of people read articles about spirituality in the course of a week, 53% listened to spiritual music each week.

Many also belong to 'small groups', which often are not affiliated with houses of worship. Almost half of those on Beliefnet who belong to small groups say the informal spiritual gathers - prayer, discussion or book groups -- are not connected to a church.

Many of these folks are NOT picking a bit from one religion and a bit from another, or acting as casual dabblers. They often are firmly grounded in one particular faith tradition but draw wisdom from teachers and preachers directly via books, the internet, tapes and the radio. Some of them have had bad experiences with religion that turned them off while others simply don't have the time to attend.

Religious leaders have spent many hours mulling this and trying to come up with innovative services or activities to draw these folks in. They tend to view the large number of "unchurched" as a sign of defeat, and that's understandable. This might be seen as yet another sign of the over-individualization of religious practice, each person cherry-picking their favorite creeds to fit their personal fancies. Overly private spirituality also can deprive people of a sense of community - mentors, support structures and educational rigor - that a house of worship can provide.

It does indeed seem to mean less focus on theology and more on personal experience. 57% of evangelical Christians say many religions can lead to eternal life - a direct contradiction to one of the most important teachings of evangelical Christianity that salvation comes ONLY through Christ.

But there's also another, more positive way of looking at the rise of the pious-but-not-religious group. Americans believe that prayer works, and have concluded that they can have an active and meaningful spiritual life without weekly organizational support, if they focus on prayer. They do it because they find it to be an effective way of gaining strength and, often, gaining help from God: 49% of those who pray say they received "direct answers" to prayer in the course of the year. They find that when supplemented with readings, discussion, small groups and music, they can create a genuinely meaningful spiritual plan.

Prayer, not church, has become the center of the American spiritual experience for many Americans. We're only beginning to grapple with the implications of that.

Find Article here: http://blog.beliefnet.com/stevenwaldman/2008/06/introducing-pious-but-not-reli.html

T.D.JAKES: Obama's Nomination Gives 'Goose Bumps'

By Bishop T.D. JAKES

(CNN) -- Last night, I like most Americans of all stripes, watched with visible goose bumps as history was made. I sat with my 13-year-old son and looked from the screen to his eyes as Sen. Barack Obama became the first African American in history to lead a U.S. major-party ticket when he claimed the nomination for the Democratic Party for president of the United States.

I congratulate Sen. Obama on this historic accomplishment. I thank him for accepting the torch that was lit by our forefathers and proudly carrying it through the darkness of our struggles, trials and tribulations, bringing light and hope to a new generation, and for facing all those who said "No" and "You can't win," or "It will never happen," and firmly, proudly, defiantly saying, "Yes I can!"

However, what I really hope people take away from that night is that this is not just a victory for African Americans, it is a victory for democracy that proves that our country provides possibilities for all people. It is also a sign that a metamorphosis is in progress. Today we saw that Americans respect experience, but are interested in change. I hope that we can somehow merge the best ideas of our differences and emerge with a president who epitomizes our highest and best ideals. While it remains unclear where we are going, last night proves that we as a people have moved beyond business as usual.

I congratulate not just Sen. Obama on his victory, but the country on this landmark event that has shattered a past all too often filled with reasons to separate us as opposed to a voice of reason to unite us. The victory cup does not rest on the shoulders of the senator alone, but to all those who have been able to lift the conversation from petty racism, antiquated cut-throat politics, and fear-based campaigns to the larger issues of how we would like to see our country led into the future and ultimately how our country will be remembered.

As the days and discussions of this political season continue, it is my sincere hope and prayer that we do not sink back into the abyss of political pettiness that has plagued our country and our lives for so many years. I am grateful to Sen. Hillary Clinton for giving, through this campaign, a chance for my daughters to see that their femininity is not a liability. Today both my sons and daughters came to understand that their ethnicity isn't viewed by progressive Americans as a limitation or a liability.

For me it was almost déjà vu as I sat with my son. I remembered a little over 40 years ago watching the famous King speech with my dad. Similarly, I watched with my youngest son last night as a historical moment unfolded. He and I saw the dreams of slaves come true as the sons of slaves and the slave owners clapped their hands in one progressive sweep. As I drifted into sleep, all I could see was the twinkle in my son's eyes. His eyes were illuminated with possibilities, and his heart was filled with the potential of what is attainable for qualified, competent people of all types who prepare themselves intellectually and are well vested with a divine sensitivity to the "fierce urgency of now!"

Congratulations Sen. Obama.

History Unfolds